Connecting Through Co-regulation: A Simple Guide for Parents on Nervous System Regulation
As parents, it’s essential to recognize how our nervous systems influence our emotions and behaviors, not only in ourselves but also in our children. Understanding nervous system regulation can help us support our kids in navigating their feelings and building meaningful connections.
What is Nervous System Regulation?
Nervous system regulation refers to the ability to manage emotional and physiological states effectively. When we’re regulated, we feel calm, present, and connected. However, when stress or anxiety hits, our nervous system can respond in one of three ways, as outlined in Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges:
Safe and Social: In this state, we feel calm and ready to engage. Our children are open to connecting and learning.
Fight or Flight: When faced with perceived threats, our kids may become anxious, irritable, or hyperactive, making it hard for them to connect.
Shutdown: If they feel overwhelmed, they might withdraw, becoming unresponsive or disengaged.
By understanding these states, we can better support ourselves in managing these emotions, in turn, impacting our children’s ability to manage their own.
The Importance of Co-Regulation
Co-regulation is the process of two individuals helping each other to regulate their emotions. In the context of parenting, this means that as we work to stay centered and present, we help our children feel safe and secure.
Secure, emotional relationships are built on trust, safety, and attunement, where both people feel valued, understood, and support. For children, this means having an adult who can calmy and consistently respond to their emotional needs, helping them feel safe, seen and heart.
Here’s how to foster co-regulation at home:
Model Calmness: When you remain calm during stressful situations, you show your child how to navigate their emotions. Practice deep breathing or mindfulness together.
Create a Safe Environment: Ensure your home is a supportive space where your child feels comfortable expressing their feelings without judgment.
Engage in Physical Connection: Simple gestures like hugs, holding hands, or sitting close can provide comfort and reassurance.
While these strategies may seem straightforward, they aren’t always easy to implement. As parents, it can be challenging to offer the emotional connection your child needs when you're feeling overwhelmed. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup.
Building a calm and connected relationship starts with ensuring that you feel safe and supported yourself.
To help you and your child foster a sense of safety and connection, here are some practical strategies to get you started on the journey toward nervous system regulation and co-regulation.
Practical Strategies for Parents
Incorporate Daily (or even weekly) Check Ins: Regularly check in with yourself to acknowledge how you’re feeling. Instead of judging or trying to change your emotions, take a moment to delve deeper into those feelings. Notice any physical sensations that arise in your body and identify where you specifically feel them. For example, if you feel excitement during a moment of reflection, pay attention to where that excitement originates and where you sense it in your body. Personally, I feel excited when I meet friends I haven’t seen in a while. During these moments, I often notice the excitement in my belly area. By simply noticing these sensations, you can learn to recognize your body's signals. Over time, this practice can help you understand what your body is experiencing and guide you in taking proactive steps before overwhelming feelings arise.
Practice Relaxation Techniques: Introduce activities such as yoga or simple breathing exercises into your routine to help manage stress. Practicing these relaxation techniques when you are calm can empower you to initiate them during more challenging moments. Your body will develop muscle memory for taking deep, effective breaths, making it easier to find relaxation when you need it most. Incorporating these practices into your routine not only promotes overall well-being but also equips you with tools to navigate daily stressors with greater ease.
Celebrate Every Step Towards Your Mountain: Acknowledge and celebrate small victories in your emotional regulation skills. Recognizing your own progress, no matter how minor, fosters in yourself a sense of achievement. It's also essential to remember that everyone makes mistakes. If you find yourself struggling with emotions or handling a situation differently than you intended, share that experience with your child. By showing them how you navigate difficult moments, you teach them that feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated is a completely normal human experience. This modeling helps them understand that there are constructive ways to cope with these feelings and take care of themselves moving forward.
When you create a sense of safety and calm within yourself, you become a safe space for your child.
Conclusion
By understanding nervous system regulation and the power of co-regulation, parents can create a nurturing environment that fosters connection, trust, and resilience. When children feel valued and supported, they are better equipped to face challenges and thrive in their daily lives.
Remember, it’s a journey—embracing each step with patience and love can make all the difference for you and your child.
